Aint I yellow?
Knees tightly held together,
Bound by shivers and quivers
Rings formed around my Iris
Black and blue plaster
Know no better
Expect no better
Cutting wrist
Ready to quit.
Aint I yellow,
Cannot see the silver lining
Beneath cumulonimbus clouds,
Eyes bloodshot
Feeling worthless,
Have no hope
People are clueless to the struggles
Of a lost, broken and bruised woman.
They think he is awesome!
A stallion and savior to a Nubian Queen,
Many times wished upon a star
He would choke on a bone or have a stroke.
As he made me hopeless,
Almost no fight left
Only death awaits us
Can heaven open up and swallow me up?
Once had a dream,
Had visions
Was a woman of great worth and fortitude,
Now, was sold a dream that aint worth my life
Where can one go to rekindle the woman once was?
To be all can be which was told one could never be?
Why put your faith in man and chariots?
When it’s guaranteed failure
Why foolish women like me never learn?
Why do we become slaves to ideals?
Then it fails and we are still to be blamed
Tried to satisfy and be the flower that a bee will pollinate.
Instead I got baseball bats,
Hits upon hits like a classic record
But a tune despised,
A song never wants to listen again.
And they will think how yellow I was to stay
But they never understand a syndrome,
Plague in doubt and PTSD.
Controlled by a master manipulator,
Free me, free me I tell you is a distant and frail cry,
A cry so hidden, so screaming, so echoing that is silent
To only who can discern.
Will any anyone hear me?
Beneath my make up smile
My chilling laughter,
Stunning starlet dresses,
My servant attitude to assist at all times.
Do they know I am dying inside?
Screaming through my ears like a ringing doorbell
Can I fight back and live for me?
Is a question that ponders my heart, constantly.
My mind is weary and degenerates, perpetually,
But time and time again, it reboots and refresh
And feel a sense of belonging,
I was never yellow just broken.
© 2022 Antonia Valaire
Bio: Antonia Valaire is a Jamaican poet, Christian, and award-winning author of Pearls among Stones, Black Gold and Out from Babylon System: Liberation of Mind. As a spoken-word artist, she has been nominated for an International Reggae and World Music Award (IRAWMA). Her social media links can be accessed via: @Antoniavalaire | Linktree