4:00 a.m. again
and no sleep
I tried forest sounds
including a stream and an owl.
I tried happy tv
traveling, remodeling
other animals in their habitat.
I tried counting breaths
and soft music.
I tried acupressure
and the mantra
“be here now”
I tried silence
and the static was deafening
Pills aren’t working.
My recurring depression
blossoms in a toxic reality.
I tuned into WW3
thinking avoiding it was not working
and that didn’t work either.
Over 3 million refugees
from Ukraine have run for their lives.
My heart races for them
as my body slowly disintegrates
and the world as we know it explodes and burns.
Annihilation a possibility.
Night is too dark
for sleep.
Future History
throwing out my history page by page
its power dimmed by decades
cleaning out my storage
giving, letting go, parting by a third
awakened to my former hyper life
aware of my hyper now
activities of daily living spiced
with painting
promoting poets, juggling ten sites
writing while the paint dries
playing a drum now and then
interviewing writers or
recording events around me
chronicling, seeding
sharing what I might have forgotten by now
in my diminishing
I only save what quickens my heart or hugs me
as I slowly loosen grip on this plane
readying for leaving
my removable, renewable self
calmed my fear of ending
even before the diagnosis
I ingest the chapters
the history of my life so far
sieving through me
heading to the big blend
the symbolic, hyperbolic
universal aum
© 2022 Belinda Subraman
Belinda Subraman has been published in 100s of magazines, printed and online, academic and small presses. In 2020 Belinda began an online show called GAS: Poetry, Art & Music which features interviews, readings, performances and art show in a video format available free at http://youtube.com/BelindaSubraman. Belinda is also an artist and recently took 2nd Place in the Sun Bowl Exhibit, the longest running art show in the Southwest, since 1949.
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