Showing posts with label Hattie Quinn. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hattie Quinn. Show all posts

Saturday, September 17, 2022

Saturday, September 17, 2022: Hattie Quinn's "Women's Work"

   

“I can get in and out,” she affirmed confidently as they stared at the dingy beach house from the hotel pool.

“No one gets out of there unchanged, Soph. You’re one of the lucky ones that haven’t been sullied by his type. Don’t do it.”

“He hurt our sister, Nate. He should have to pay.”

“Razi, tell her not to do this,” Nate pleaded.

“Is my virginity worth nothing, Nate? Am I just supposed to live with the fact that this creepy old man put his fingers in me? Like a good girl? Is that it? What’s next? You gonna start pimpin’ me?”

His stern look softened. “That is not what I mean at all. I found him for you, didn’t I? I support making him pay for his offense. I’ll roll his ancient ass and take the money box myself right now.”

“You can’t—,” both his sisters screamed at once. Children playing in the pool looked over to see why they had screamed, but seeing them sit quietly, they went back to their game of Marco Polo.

Sophie, ever the voice of reason in the trio, warned her twin, “Nathan Popall, you are eighteen years and three days old and have a previous arrest. You cannot be picked up for anything ever again or you are going to the P-farm, and we’ll be all on our own.”

“And don’t think I don’t appreciate you being all noble and shit, brother, but let us sisters handle this. It’s women’s work,” Razi said.

“She’s our baby sister,” he said, head slung low.

“I won’t let him touch me. Please, I grew up on this beach… on these streets. You think I don’t know how to dodge one handsy old man? I have been doing it my whole life.” 

He looked her up and down, assessing the young teen in the too small bikini, seeing the woman she would soon become. “He got to Raz, and she is the stronger and more experienced of you two.”

“She was high and drunk. I’m going in sober.”

“I don’t know,” he protested, but they all knew it was too late. Sophie did as she wanted, as always.

*****

That Friday, Sophie put on her sister’s blue spandex minidress with the low vee, covered it with a dirty towel, and studied her reflection in the cracked compact as she plastered on her war paint. That was how she thought of it as she applied the blue eyeshadow and baby pink lipstick. She had declared war on the creepy old man who lived by the pier. All the beach kids knew about him and gave him a wide berth, but sometimes the free-range girls got a little too close or a homeless teen with no one to turn to become his prey. Never anyone he had to fear or who could go to the police. Never a shop worker or professional. Always us beach kids.

They had only had each other since their mom hooked up with a skinhead. Can’t have biracial kids around the trailer park giving lie to her God-given supremacy, so out they went eighteen months ago. The three survived because they had each other and that was how it would always be, whether they were squatting in the abandoned Spanish-style hotel on the beach or sleeping under the pier. 

She would make him pay, for her sister. For the others. On went the bright red blush, as she imagined her ancestors painting their faces getting ready for battle, and she prayed: “Help me remain calm and strong in the face of all that comes towards me.”

Her sister tipped her head upside down and sprayed her hair with “the Net,” leaned her back up, and sculpted her bangs. She then removed the towel and fluffed up her breasts with the back of her hands, in a vain attempt to give her cleavage. That was useless. None of the women in her family had been endowed in that way, though hard to say on her father’s side, since they had never known him.

“You ready, Soph?” 

She liked that about her sister. It wasn’t you sure about this but are you ready. “Yeah, I’m ready. Let’s show that son of a bitch that you don’t mess with our family.”

*****

She must have walked two miles up and down “the Strip” in her sister’s heels with nothing but a bunch of harassment from Squids who had to be warned off with threats of reporting them at the base gate. She was young and hot and looked ready for trouble, which she was, but not with the gallant men of the United States Navy… not tonight at least. A few of them were quite sweet. Another time, perhaps. One of them may be a way out in the future. Off the streets and into a normal life. But not now.

The sun had long since set. She was tired and her feet hurt. All the usual spots the kids said he frequented were dead ends. It was time to head back to the Casa

Disappointed as she was, she did not pay attention to her surroundings like she had been taught, and it in turn made her the perfect prey. She was caught completely unaware when the door to the apartment that faced right up against the sidewalk opened after she passed. Hands on her shoulders pulled her down and in before she thought to say a word. She landed with a little “oof” on a shabby burnt orange flowered sofa as she heard the bolt click and the jingle of the chain as it slid into place.

“Hello, young lady,” he said sweetly, “you out looking for fun tonight? You sure do look it,” he said with a predator’s gaze on her young flesh.

It was him. Was I already near the pier? Does he have a second apartment? They will never find me, if so. Think, think, what do I do? Breathe. Stall. Escape. You got this.

Finding her center, she looked him straight in the eyes, tilted her head slightly, and replied, “Maybe. You think you have something fun to offer me, mister?”

“I knew you were looking for a good time tonight, dressed as you were. Did the sailors not offer you enough money, honey?”

He had been watching her, at least a little while, and that piece of knowledge had her heart racing.

“I’m no working girl. I just don’t like Squids. They talk a good game, but half of them drink so much they can’t get it up when the time comes.”

He sat on the other end of the couch from her and turned to face her. “Maybe a man of more experience might be more to your taste.” He threw one wrinkled, sun-stained arm up casually across the back of the sofa, as if she didn’t know he was trying to maneuver himself within striking distance. His fancy watch ticking down the seconds until he struck echoed in her ears.

“Maybe… uh, what do I call you?”

“Call me Daddy.”

Oh, it’s like that is it? Okay then.

“Well, Daddy, I need to use the potty and freshen up.” She pointed with her chin to the stocked bar against the wall between the door and the window A/C unit. “Do you think you could fix us a couple of drinks while I go tend to that?”

“Oh, she’s a naughty girl. Maybe just one drink, but then I may have to spank you.” He swatted at her butt and missed as she danced aside and headed to the hall that must lead to the bathroom, swaying his target with all the art she could muster, until she turned into the hall out of sight.

Money box, money box, where would he have put the box of bills he threw at girls after he violated them? She looked back around the corner and saw he had moved to the bar, back turned to the hall, and begun making their drinks. His silver hair shone in the light like a halo. She was infuriated at his using the nice old man routine on all those poor kids. Motivated to end his ability to victimize wayward girls, like her sister. 

*****

Two weeks earlier, Raz had been at a raging party thrown by one of the local surfers, smoking and drinking and snorting whatever came her way, when the police showed up. Well, one cop came in and he was there for the party, but homeless truants tend to avoid them. He didn’t even have the decency to lock away his firearm. He just came strutting in and bellied up to the quarters table like anyone else. They all seemed to know him. He was young, maybe they all knew each other from high school. There was definitely some high-five-bro jock culture camaraderie going on between them.

She knew at the point that she had no choice but to gather her things and go before he saw her. She grabbed a little random stash from the sideboard and snuck out the back. Hopefully, Officer Robbie didn’t notice. It wasn’t far to the Casa Del Mar hotel where she and a lot of the homeless kids crashed. She’d walk down the beach to draw less attention and would be home before she knew it. But that was not how it went.

She couldn’t walk in her shoes on the sand and kept stumbling. She finally climbed one of the shorter lifeguard chairs, picking up a splinter in her hand for her efforts, and sat to rest and let her head clear.

Next thing she knew she was waking up slung over someone’s shoulder, barefoot, and head hanging downward.

“Put me down.”

She felt the hand rub her back and butt. “I gotcha, little darlin’,” he drawled, “let’s get you home before someone finds you here and has other ideas for you.”

“I live near the Casa, with my family. I am already almost home.”

“Not putting her down, “It’s okay little girl, I can get you home. What’s the house number?”

But she didn’t answer as she had no number and consciousness slipped from her again. He didn’t drive her home, but rather took her down into the shadows under the pier for a good time. When she woke again and asked him what had happened, he had pulled a small decorative box from his pocket, brushed the sand from it, and thrown a couple twenties at her, returning it to his pocket and patting it. 

“Nothing worth more than this. I’m looking for a good time not a corpse. Maybe next time we can try for more,” and he left her there under the pier, skirt up, panties askew, to make her way home on her own. 

She stumbled home carrying her shoes and clutch, climbed the palm tree to the broken second floor window, and collapsed into her sister’s arms in tears and fell asleep. When she felt the pain the next morning when she got up to pee, it confirmed he had tried to get her ready for more before he had given up.

*****

Not having found anything in the undecorated bedroom Sophie quickly rushed to the bathroom, where she touched up her face, and flushed the toilet paper blotted with lipstick. She checked herself in the mirror and knew that this might not go the way they had planned. She returned the tube and palmed a small paper packet from her sister’s clutch, straightened her dress and returned to the living room.

“Whatcha got for me, Daddy?” she asked as she reappeared. He smiled his shiny white smile, looked her up and down, assessing.

“Quite a bit, baby girl, but let’s start with a Cape Codder. I thought you might prefer something fruity.”

She threw down her clutch and rushed over taking both drinks in her hands. She swayed her hips hypnotically as she carried them to the table. Women’s hips. She bent over to adjust her shoe strap, making her ass look its finest, and slipped the powder from the packet into the brown liquid. She picked it up, swirled it, pretended to prepare to toss it back, when his hand came in over the rim of the glass to stop her. 

“That is my 20-year-old Scotch. It would be wasted on you, sweet girl.” He said as he took it from her and sipped it. He braced himself slightly at the first taste, but returned for a healthy second gulp, before he set the glass down and handed her her own clear, pink drink.

She laughed as she tried to project innocence. “Your drink is older than I am.”

“Is it now? How refreshing,” he said as he tipped her glass up as she sipped at it.

She looked around the mostly barren room, set down her glass, and asked, “Do you live here, Daddy?”

“No baby girl, it is a place I use when I need a night away from my family.”

She took note of the leather briefcase on the kitchen counter and turned back to him and smiled, “It didn’t look like you did. You are too fancy for a place like this.” She held up her glass to toast him and wondered how long it would take for him to pass out.

He smiled mischievously as he watched her drink, and she was suddenly stricken with the question of who was drugging who.

He put his hand on her thigh and started to slide upward, but she rose, and setting her glass down, stepped around the table and began to dance seductively as she reached for the neck of her dress. 

“Relax, Daddy. Let me entertain you.”

She danced slowly, the only sounds his shallow breathing and her beating heart, unfastened the neck, and revealed her bikini top. He smiled at the surprise but seemed to be disconcerted.

“Is something wrong, Daddy?” she asked, her own voice becoming husky, and her speech slowed.

His face flushed, his eyes rolled back in his head, and he slumped forward barely breathing.

Sophie stumbled to the door praying to God that they would be there. She undid the chain with some difficulty and released the bolt. The door swung open and her brother swept her up in his arms before she collapsed. 

“Drugged me… drugged him.”

Razi made quick work of the apartment, gathered into her backpack the drugs not utilized and an unopened bottle for later. She wiped clean the glasses, doorknobs, and the toilet handle. Nate set his sister down in an armchair by the kitchen and gathered her hair in a quick bun to prevent loss of strays. He half-carried, half-dragged the man who had hurt his sisters to the back bedroom, stripped him, and set him up on the bed, cock in hand, his breathe barely discernible. He pulled a plastic bag over head with the man’s hands and tightened the man’s belt around his neck.

His sister came in with a look of horror on her face. “He takes souvenirs, Nate,” she said as she thrust a paper towel wrapped stack of instant photos at him, “I found these in his money box.” Nate grabbed them and her before she could lunge at the sleeping predator.

“He won’t hurt anyone again, Raz. Stick to the plan. No evidence of our visit.”

She nodded and used the paper towel to place each photo artfully before the man on the mattress, as if he had been jerking to the memory of what he had done to these children. They each recognized a few from the fires on the beach or the casa itself.

He used the man’s hands to pull the belt tighter and locked it in position. He gathered up his sleeping sister, Razi followed behind and wiped down the chair. Though they starved, they took only half the cash and one photo from the treasure box. They left behind only the empty quarter-paper of heroin and the rocks glass of half-consumed whiskey on the nightstand.

*****

“Beaches-Area Slumlord Overdoses, Implicated in Child Abuse,” Sophie read aloud from the newspaper at the fire on the beach two days later. The beach kids all cheered and danced as they each took a swig from the top shelf vodka they had saved for this moment. Razi took one last look at the photo of her near miss with this man, threw it in the fire, grabbed the bottle and took a long swig. No one else may care about them, the used and abused and tossed away children, but they would always protect each other.

As she looked up Razi noticed Officer Robbie on the other side of the fire. “Let’s go see what he knows,” she said to her sister, as the two casually sauntered around the fire.

“A woman’s work is never done,” said Sophie with a laugh, no longer so young and innocent that she didn’t realize the grosser implications of that mantra.

“Never.”


© 2022 Hattie Quinn






Hattie Quinn was born in Jacksonville, Florida (1973).  She has lived in five distinct regions of the United States in the last thirty years, settled down with her true love, Satyr, in Fort Worth, Texas, in a menagerie known as the Wildwood. She's a Thelemite, a cat lady, a writer, a Benjamin Franklin aficionado, a student, a mentor, an amateur chef, and a mother. She strives for continual improvement and likes things to be “Just-So.”



Sunday, March 31, 2019

Women's History Month: Hattie Quinn's "Radical Empathy"

    I am no stranger to spiritual states. I have sought them since my youth. I have used prayer, reading, writing, masturbation, drugs of varied types and strengths, sex, danger, meditation, magick, pain, Shibari, erotic asphyxiation, and finally love and motherhood in my pursuit of grokking the Universe/God/god/one-ness. But, I didn’t see my latest epiphany coming—at a science fiction and fantasy symposium—in Provo, UT—listening to author Kelly Barnhill’s keynote speech.
    I have always been a voracious reader and was, in my youth, a prolific writer. I would tap into my tween angst and summon forth words detailing dramatic feelings and experiences I had never known. I felt them deeply, profoundly. I couldn’t sleep at night for worry of other people’s problems or ones I imagined out of thin air. I couldn’t control when they came or how deeply I was affected. I was fully unprepared to deal with these feelings, and ultimately sought escape.  
   I don’t know which came first: cutting myself or setting things on fire, but I do know that destruction was my solution to the rampant craziness running through my head, impeding my focus, inspiring my words, impelling my disastrous choices. I carved invocations in my flesh and released desires in flame and ash. I turned to drugs and, shortly thereafter, sex. I left school, full of ennui.
   I didn’t have to feel all those hard emotions and that societal judgment, I could escape into a state of bliss, uniting with my opposite and equal, or chemically exciting every cell in my being and uplifting mind and spirit.   
   A funny thing happens when you serve up select and limited emotions on a platter. You don’t gain experience with the emotions you have rejected. You stunt your own emotional growth. I assume this is why they say drug use inhibits emotional maturity, though it doesn’t take anything as strong as controlled substances, only stubborn indifference.
   I ultimately pulled myself out of this downward spiral—somehow—and it wasn’t until recently, while I listened to that unparalleled storyteller, that I glimpsed that subtle influence that had served as my lifeline, that could in fact be the answer to fixing those out of whack within our own orbits. When I realized the implications, I had a transcendent moment. I had come to the conclusion that as it had kept my brain sharp between testing out of school at 16 and attending college at 24, reading more than regularly as I did, had also enabled me to retain the knowledge of the experience of emotions and how to put myself in the shoes of others.
   Before I settled into a mildly numbing decade of sex and marijuana, putting behind the amphetamines I had loved so well, they had given me my out—a near death experience on the heels of a traumatic opportunity to rediscover empathy. I had stopped writing around the time I began stabbing myself for intense moments of pleasure. I was no longer capable of entering into the melancholy of my muse, knowing only ecstatic bliss and hallucinogenic blackouts.  
   Sometimes the people around me took on different forms or identities until a lull in my state.  So, perhaps I can understand how it wasn’t until one summer morning of my 23rd year after a multi day meth binge that I realized that I was partying hard with a young woman who was barely twenty-one and eight months pregnant with the second child she might or raise. Having experienced the heights and depths back then, I can bring myself to understand how this could occur, but I do not expect anyone else to understand. Know only that it lead to a more intense bout with my demon, and after an insane ride I stopped breathing and beating lying still on the floor, and came-to to the slaps and pounding of a boyfriend I would never see again after that night, to then run away to a new city with a stripper who wanted a different scenes well, where I vomited myself clean and learned to love marijuana and suffer “normal guys.” I also learned to hold down a job.
   Why couldn’t I be normal? Just because I never had been before, or couldn’t remember a time I was, didn’t mean I couldn’t accomplish such a feat. It just meant I didn’t yet know how.  So, I just kept reading and watching the suburbanites around me, and kept score at my boyfriend’s softball games and pretended I was normal until I had an abortion and an identity crisis, and went on a tear with an 8-ball and my boyfriend’s (not) best friend from high school.  The former me almost came back right then: the queen of bad decisions came to the threshold of my secret door, and she rode that convenient diversion through jack shacks and the bathroom stall at Madison Square Garden, with no regard for the guy at home (also cheating, it turned out, not that that matters). But, I knew her game, and kicked her to the curb, along with the whole suburban life and upstate WASP community.  Neither were who I wanted to be.
    I longed to realize my new and improved identity, but it was still in formation. I experimented with euphorics and decided to move to Massachusetts and continue college adding philosophers, classic literature, and magick to my library. I extracted dextromethorphan from cough syrup and took LSD to metaprogram myself. I chanted my new mantra over and over: “Fake it, until you make it.” One particularly poignant night, on the eve of the new millennium, December 31, 2000, I took several hits of acid and sought through serendipity to find the solution to my inability to emotionally deal with whatever life threw me. I opened “The Portable Nietzsche” seeking the answer to my spoken question, and found the parable of the diamond and the rock. I decide to be the diamond. To harden my heart to others so they could no longer affect me.  I shake my head in disbelief today.
    I met, fell in love with, and joined Ordo Templi Orientis, an organization devoted to joy and beauty and truth and transformation to your ideal self, yet I had hardened my heart to the experiences before me, to the people around me.  But initiation brings internal awareness and I began to see what I had done. Better that I be content in my soft and malleable nature, rather than present this bright and shiny crystalline wall to the world. Again, I read and read and worked to be my better self, and learned some coping skills, and left school to work and thrive, and undertook rituals to learn to love and trust and to discipline myself, to know love under will, lest I be so horribly used or use others so hardly again.  
    Whether through my initiatory and ritual work, deep self reflection, or through a decade and more without hard drugs in my system, I suddenly became a cryer.  I mean I was a wreck. Every sentimental movie made me cry, books made me bawl, a tender cat food commercial touched my heart and brought the tears. To this day, I have deeper emotional relationships to characters from “Deep Space Nine” than I do some friends and family after watching the entire series both before and then again after my transformation. One peer suggested I had finally matured emotionally and just had a lot of emotion for which to make up. A decade or more later I am still a cryer. You know what else came back? My writing.
    Kelly Barnhill spoke of the circuitous routes we take to come to our craft and how inspiration comes from the strangeness of life and accepting it in ourselves and those around us. That when we combined these strange practices with the flame of inspiration we would tell unforgettable stories. Stories with characters with whom readers live and love and bleed. That this level of storytelling requires the arts of paying attention and experiencing radical empathy.
    A good writer needs to be a good reader, they say, and I had been, and that I believe was why I could become a worthwhile person after everything. After all the bad decisions and broken hearts. Because when the capacity for experiencing emotions came flooding back, I was primed to empathize with others. The neural paths hd been lain in the years intervening. The only thing I had been with any regularity was a reader.
    But radical empathy can give us so much more than good writers. It can give us worthwhile humans. If a self-destructive, self absorbed disaster could learn to love those outside of her self induced nightmare, and could find the power to share those experiences for the empowerment of others, then every xenophobic bigot and misogynistic hater we are hiding in the dark canopy of our family trees can be redeemed through the power of reading and envisioning themselves in the story of the Other.
    We are all storytellers. Every memory we share is part of the narrative.  Memory is nothing but cold storage, we have to remember it to share it and that is storytelling first to ourselves and then others. By sharing of ourselves and our experiences, the lessons we have learned and the mistakes we have made…or caused. By reading about the lives of others, real or fictional, we burn into ourselves an increased capacity for understanding. By sharing this skill for radical empathy with our friends and family and coworkers and acquaintances, we could uplift humanity, and that is why I had a spiritual experience listening to an author tell her circuitous route to radical empathy through tales of ghosts, carbon monoxide poisoning and inspired taxidermy.

    Thank you, Kelly Barnhill, for answering my whys and inspiring me to greater heights. May I pay it forward.

(c) 2019 Hattie Quinn


    Hattie Quinn is an author of short stories, poetry, and one small being of light. She lives in Texas with her husband Satyr in a small menagerie called the Wildwood. She was nominated for the Best of the Net Anthology 2017 for her story, “Good Works, After Bad”, published by poeticdiversity.org, and has devoted her life to uplifting humanity, beginning with herself and her family.