Tuesday, June 7, 2022: Antonia Valaire's poem "Aint I yellow?"

 

Aint I yellow?

Knees tightly held together,

Bound by shivers and quivers

Rings formed around my Iris

Black and blue plaster

Know no better

Expect no better

Cutting wrist

Ready to quit.

Aint I yellow,

Cannot see the silver lining

Beneath cumulonimbus clouds,

Eyes bloodshot

Feeling worthless,

Have no hope

People are clueless to the struggles

Of a lost, broken and bruised woman.

They think he is awesome!

A stallion and savior to a Nubian Queen,

Many times wished upon a star

He would choke on a bone or have a stroke.

As he made me hopeless,

Almost no fight left

Only death awaits us

Can heaven open up and swallow me up?

Once had a dream,

Had visions

Was a woman of great worth and fortitude,

Now, was sold a dream that aint worth my life

Where can one go to rekindle the woman once was?

To be all can be which was told one could never be?

Why put your faith in man and chariots?

When it’s guaranteed failure

Why foolish women like me never learn?

Why do we become slaves to ideals?

Then it fails and we are still to be blamed

Tried to satisfy and be the flower that a bee will pollinate.

Instead I got baseball bats,

Hits upon hits like a classic record

But a tune despised,

A song never wants to listen again.

And they will think how yellow I was to stay

But they never understand a syndrome,

Plague in doubt and PTSD.

Controlled by a master manipulator,

Free me, free me I tell you is a distant and frail cry,

A cry so hidden, so screaming, so echoing that is silent

To only who can discern.

Will any anyone hear me?

Beneath my make up smile

My chilling laughter,

Stunning starlet dresses,

My servant attitude to assist at all times.

Do they know I am dying inside?

Screaming through my ears like a ringing doorbell

Can I fight back and live for me?

Is a question that ponders my heart, constantly.

My mind is weary and degenerates, perpetually,

But time and time again, it reboots and refresh

And feel a sense of belonging,

I was never yellow just broken.

© 2022 Antonia Valaire

Bio: Antonia Valaire is a Jamaican poet, Christian, and award-winning author of Pearls among Stones, Black Gold and Out from Babylon System: Liberation of Mind. As a spoken-word artist, she has been nominated for an International Reggae and World Music Award (IRAWMA). Her social media links can be accessed via: @Antoniavalaire | Linktree